


No more monsters (I can breathe again)

by justhockey



Series: A strength I’ve never known [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Buck/OMC, Past Domestic Violence, Past Relationship(s), Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:35:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29455374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: Eddie could let him deny it all and they could move on. They could never talk about it, and pretend this wasn’t something that happened to Buck - like it wasn’t something else that he had to survive. But he thinks that it’s something Buckneedsto talk about, if only so it doesn’t swallow him whole.“I know what abuse looks like, Buck.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: A strength I’ve never known [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170119
Comments: 51
Kudos: 714
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	No more monsters (I can breathe again)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Praying_ by Kesha. 
> 
> Content warning in end notes.

The fire isn’t all that bad when they get there. No, the real problem is the drama that caused it. Because a girl had surprised her boyfriend by coming home early to see him, and instead of finding him alone, she found him in bed with another girl. 

Naturally, the ensuing fight had sent all the romantic candles flying, and half the room was engulfed in flames by the time the 118 arrived. It’s kind of hard to fight a fire when you’re also trying to hold back laughter at the argument that’s _still_ going on. But they put it out pretty quickly anyway, and no one got hurt. Well. Except for everyone, actually. What with the whole fistfight, and everything. But that’s Athena’s problem now. 

They’re packing up and getting ready to leave when Eddie hears it. 

“I can’t live without you,” the cheating boyfriend is proclaiming. 

“Then die,” says the girlfriend. 

Eddie’s eyes instantly widen. He clenches his jaw and covers his mouth to try and compose himself, but the second he glances at Buck they both burst out laughing. They clamber into the truck so they don’t get yelled at by Bobby, and by the time they’re driving away their sides are hurting from laughing so hard. 

“ _Boys,_ ” Bobby chastises them from the drivers seat, but that only makes them laugh harder. 

That’s what everything is like with Buck - bigger, and better, and brighter. What’s good is great, what’s funny is hilarious, and what’s awful doesn’t feel quite so bad. It’s like Buck is Eddie’s own personal sun, like even on the cold, dark days, it’s impossible to be down for long when Buck is around him. 

He’s lucky to have Buck in his life, to have him as his best friend. But. 

It feels like maybe they’ve been edging towards something, something _more._ Eddie can’t quite figure out when it started, probably before he even realised, but he definitely notices now. The way that he and Buck are just _weird_ about each other. How they sit, and stand, and _exist_ so closely, how Buck is the first person Eddie searches for in every room, the way they’re just always together, even without planning it. 

It’s just, every time they get close to something - every time it feels like one of them is going to finally make a move, Buck seems to pull back. It’s like he’s afraid of crossing that final line, like if they make that leap to more than friends, Buck is scared they won’t be able to turn back. 

Eddie gets it, god, of _course_ he gets it. He’s terrified too. There’s been no one since Shannon, and he’s still worried, even years after her death, that people will think it’s too soon. That because Buck is a man, or because it’s only been a couple of years, that it means Eddie never really loved her. 

And he’s scared that if they cross this invisible line that feels so real, that they’ll ruin everything. Scared that a relationship between them could never work out, and they’d be left with a friendship in irreparable tatters - Christopher caught in the middle. 

So yeah, Eddie gets it. And yeah, he’s scared too. But he thinks that Buck is worth it, and he thinks that they could have something really, _really_ good together, if only both of them were willing to try. Which is exactly why he’s willing to wait - he already knows there’s no one else for him, so he’s more than happy to give Buck all the time he needs. 

When they get back to the station, Eddie is worried that maybe he’s waited too long. 

Because he’s just about to go upstairs and get him and Buck a coffee when someone walks into the station. He’s tall and handsome, and he’s got a friendly smile plastered on his face. He waves at Eddie to get his attention, so Eddie walks over hesitantly. 

“Can I help?” Eddie asks. 

“Hi, yeah I think so. I’m looking for Evan - Evan Buckley?” The guy says. 

Eddie instantly doesn’t like the guy, but he can’t quite place why. 

“Oh, are you a friend?” Eddie asks. 

_Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes._

The guy laughs and shrugs his shoulders. “Something like that.”

Right. Yeah. Eddie definitely doesn’t like the sound of that. It’s just - Buck hadn’t mentioned going on a date, or even that he was _interested_ in dating again, so like. Eddie feels kind of thrown for a second, and also, maybe, a little bit jealous. Whatever. 

“Sure, one second,” Eddie says, because he’s a good sport even if he _really_ doesn’t want to be. 

He’s just rounding the corner when he literally bumps into Buck, and he can’t help the way he instinctively reaches out a hand to steady Buck. He smiles at Eddie, his cheeks flushed pink, and for a moment Eddie forgets why he was looking for him. But then Chim clears his throat and Eddie remembers, and he pulls back instantly. 

“There’s a guy here to see you,” Eddie tells Buck. He pretends he can’t hear the jealousy in his own voice. 

Buck raises his eyebrows in surprise, and Eddie figures that’s a good sign, right? That he wasn’t expecting anyone? 

Chim and Hen are instantly intrigued though, so all three of them follow behind Buck so they can learn who the mystery man is. 

When Buck sees the guy standing there, he stops dead so quickly that Eddie almost walks into the back of him. He can’t see Buck’s expression, but he doesn’t like the way his whole body has gone tense. Something feels off. 

“Corey,” Buck whispers, sounding so shocked that Eddie is certain he wasn’t expecting this. 

The guy - _Corey_ \- smiles so wide when he sees Buck, and Eddie can literally feel the frown that’s starting to form on his face. He goes to stand next to Buck - not as like, a _jealous_ thing, or whatever. Just, because. 

“Long time, no see, Evan,” Corey says. 

He looks so excited to see Buck, but when Eddie turns to gauge Buck’s expression, he looks the exact opposite . He looks - 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Buckaroo,” Hen teases. 

Chim and Corey both laugh, but Buck doesn’t so Eddie doesn’t either. 

“Oh I bet it _feels_ like he has,” Corey says. “We dated in college, and Evan here just got bored of me one day, so he up and left without so much as a goodbye.”

He’s laughing as he says it, like there are no hard feelings. But there’s something about the smile that’s curving his lips upwards, and something about the way Buck has barely _breathed,_ let alone moved, since the moment he set eyes on Corey. Eddie just feels uneasy about the whole thing, and he moves a tiny bit closer to Buck. 

Hen and Chim are laughing along with Corey like he’s said something hilarious, and Eddie doesn’t understand why they can’t read the room - why they can’t read _Buck_ like he can. 

“Sounds like Buck 1.0, he’s new and improved now,” Chim says, elbowing Buck playfully. 

Buck doesn’t move though, doesn’t even respond. He can’t take his eyes off Corey, but it doesn’t feel like something Eddie should be jealous of, it feels like something he needs to keep his eye on. 

“I like the sound of that,” Corey jokes, but Eddie can feel Buck shudder beside him, and yeah. Something about the way he said it just sounded _predatory._

“How did you find me?” Buck asks, his voice timid and as far from his usual self as possible. 

Not _’how are you here?’_ or _’why are you here?’_ Nothing that indicates excitement, or even remote happiness at Corey showing up after years. No. Buck asks _’how did you find me?’_ and everything about this feels off. 

Corey is still smiling though, and he looks friendly and cheerful, and like butter wouldn’t fucking melt. He takes a couple of steps forwards, and Buck doesn’t move back but Eddie can feel the way he tenses.

“Oh I’m in town for work and I reached out to Maddie! She thought it would be good for us to get back in touch,” Corey explains. Then he holds up a paper bag and says, “I brought pastries.”

“Oh well in that case, you can stay. I’m Hen,” she introduces herself. 

“Call me Chim!” He shakes Corey’s hand. “Come tell us all about college Buck,” he adds, as they steer Corey over to the couches. 

Buck still hasn’t moved, he’s just watching as Corey follows their friends into the station and starts to make himself at home. He really does look like he’s seen a ghost - pale white and a little clammy, and this definitely isn’t the face of someone who’s just feeling a little awkward about a bad break up. 

Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder, and Buck startles. 

“Hey, are you-“ but Eddie is interrupted. 

“You coming, Evan?” Corey asks. 

It’s like Buck snaps out of whatever trance he was in. He pastes a smile on his face, but it’s painfully insincere and it makes the discomfort in Eddie’s chest grow. Buck follows after them, so Eddie does too. 

Corey goes to sit beside Buck as they make themselves comfortable, but Eddie basically throws himself into the space instead. He doesn’t need to look at Hen and Chim to know what looks they’re giving him, but he can’t bring himself to care about anything other than Buck right now. (Not that that’s really anything new, but still). 

Corey sits opposite them instead, and he opens up the box of pastries and puts it on the coffee table. 

“Help yourself,” he says. 

Hen and Chim immediately grab their favourites - they’re from the bakery just down the road that they all love. But Buck doesn’t move, and whatever appetite Eddie had after their last call is gone now. He shuffles every so slightly closer to Buck, and it’s not lost on him that Corey tracks the movement. 

“I see the SEALs didn’t work out?” Corey says to Buck, friendly, like he’s just trying to catch up on several missed years. 

Buck shifts almost imperceptibly in his seat. Eddie can feel the movement, and he can sense the discomfort radiating off him. 

“How do you know about that?” Buck asks him, frowning. 

Corey laughs again, and fuck that’s starting to annoy Eddie. It’s like he’s trying too hard to make everything seem normal when it very clearly isn’t. Or, it isn’t to Eddie, but Hen and Chim don’t seem to have noticed a thing. 

“Someone from school mentioned it to me - Zach, maybe? I don’t know,” Corey answers. “I _told_ them you wouldn’t last.”

Hen and Chim both snort out a laugh, and Buck laughs too, but it’s stilted and forced. Eddie doesn’t laugh - he doesn’t think belittling Buck is all that funny, really. 

Eddie doesn’t know what this is, exactly. His mind is going a mile a minute and he’s thinking a thousand absolutely terrible thoughts. None of them are probably the reality of the situation, but with the way Buck is acting, and the way it just doesn’t seem to match up with Corey’s behaviour, he can’t help but think the worst. 

He knows Buck can take care of himself, of course. And he knows that he doesn’t need to protect him, or defend him, or whatever. It’s just - this guy is a stranger now, even if he wasn’t always, and Eddie doesn’t like the way he’s showed up unannounced and made Buck so instantly uncomfortable. 

Nothing about it feels right, especially not the overly exaggerated charm that he’s winning Hen and Chim over with. 

“Yeah, it wasn’t for me,” Buck says. 

“Thank god,” Eddie says. “It’s the reason he ended up here.”

He knows the teasing from Hen and Chim is friendly, but it doesn’t feel the same coming from this guy who puts Buck so on edge. So Eddie won’t participate in it, not even to give off the illusion of normalcy. He nudges Buck’s arm and feels him relax just a little. 

“I don’t think I got your name?” Corey says, leaning forward and smiling at Eddie. 

“Eddie,” he answers, but doesn’t bother to shake the guys hand like Chim had. 

“It’s good to meet Buck’s colleagues,” Corey says. “He never used to be good at holding down a job.”

And fuck, Eddie _hates_ this guy. Everything he says is just on the wrong side of teasing if you listen close enough to realise - there’s always too much bite behind it. He can hear it in his voice, see it in the way he always looks to Buck to get a feel of his reaction to everything he says.

Eddie can _definitely_ tell from the way Buck seems to be shrinking in on himself, quite literally. He’s pulled his arms across his chest and he’s slouching as if he’s trying to make himself smaller - like he’s trying to take up less space. Eddie fucking hates it, and if he wasn’t worried about making whatever _this_ is worse, he’d absolutely be asking Corey to leave. 

But for now he just presses his thigh against Buck’s and hopes that’s enough. 

“He almost didn’t hold down _this_ one,” Chim jokes, but it feels like information that Corey doesn’t deserve to know. 

“We’re more like family than colleagues, here,” Eddie interjects. “And Buck is damn good at his job.”

Corey nods and smiles, but he’s appraising Eddie and Buck - their closeness, the way they interact, the way Eddie keeps stepping in to defend him. The look he’s wearing is calculating, and Buck shifts beneath it. Eddie just continues to look back until Corey turns away. 

“So,” Hen says, clapping her hands together. “College Buck. We want to hear all about it.”

“Oh boy, do I have some stories for you.”

And so he just talks, and talks, and _talks._ And somehow he manages to twist every single story in a way that makes Buck look flaky, or immature, or dumb, or, or, or. 

They keep laughing, and he keeps telling jokes and looking over every time Buck is the punchline. And every single time, Buck seems to get a little quieter and a little smaller. Then Corey says something too loud, and Eddie can feel Buck flinch next to him. He makes too sudden of a movement and Buck shakes against Eddie’s side. 

And look, Eddie isn’t always great at reading people or feelings. But it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on here. The way Buck had frozen when he first saw Corey, the fake smiles, and laughing along with all the jokes that hurt him. The way Buck is trying to make himself so small he disappears, the _flinching._

Buck is _scared._

Eddie doesn’t want to think the worst, and he refuses to think about this man putting his hands on Buck, because if he does then he knows he’ll fucking lose it. So he clenches his fists and grits his teeth, and prays for the alarm to ring. 

He holds it together because he thinks that Buck might need him to. 

And when Corey is _finally_ leaving, and he reaches out a hand and rests it on Buck’s shoulder, Eddie just wants to yell _‘don’t you fucking touch him’._ But he doesn’t want to make things worse, or to have read this all wrong - even though he thinks that’s unlikely. 

So he just stands off to the side, but close enough that he can listen in and keep an eye on them. He doesn’t miss the way Buck shakes at Corey’s touch. 

“Do you maybe wanna get a drink after your shift, Evan?” He asks. 

Eddie wants to fucking punch him. It’s clear from every single second since Corey appeared that Buck absolutely does _not_ want to go anywhere with the guy. 

“Oh, uh,” Buck says, fumbling for an excuse. 

So Eddie’s swoops in, casual enough that he doesn’t look like he’s been listening. “Hey Buck, don’t forget you’re helping Chris with that math homework tonight,” he says, walking past and clapping Buck on the shoulder so Corey has to move his hand. 

He continues walking, doesn’t want it to look like he’s hovering or ready to get involved at the drop of a hat, even though he absolutely is. He stops far enough away that he doesn’t look suspicious, but close enough that he can hear them if he really focuses. 

“Who’s Chris?” Corey asks, all the cheery facade gone from his voice. 

“He’s, um, Eddie’s son,” Buck says. 

“This what you left me for, huh? A single dad and his kid?” He scoffs. “You never were very smart, Evan.”

He takes a step closer and Buck immediately moves backwards, and that’s all Eddie needs to see. He’s about to storm over when the alarm starts to ring, and he can see the way Buck’s shoulders droop in relief. 

“Let’s go, Buckley,” Eddie calls out to him. 

“Bye,” he says to Corey, and then turns on his heel and rushes to Eddie’s side. They walk to the truck with Eddie’s hand on the small of Buck’s back. 

Eddie has never been so grateful for the alarm.

**—————**

On the way home Eddie can’t help but notice how Buck keeps checking the wing mirror to see if anyone is following them. There isn’t, because he checked that Corey was gone as soon as they got back from the call, and because he’s keeping an eye on the road behind them, too. But he hates that Buck is this shaken up, so afraid of the guy that he’s making sure they aren’t being followed.

Eddie can feel his blood boiling, and he tightens his hands on the steering wheel so he doesn’t turn around and go searching for the bastard. 

When they finally pull up outside the house, Buck is frowning. The lights are all off, and it’s clear that no one is home as Eddie unlocks the front door and steps inside. 

“I thought Chris-“

“He’s got a sleepover tonight,” Eddie says. 

“But his math homework?” Buck asks, confused. 

Eddie smiles, because of course Buck thought Chris actually needed help. And of course Buck was going to provide it, even after he’s had the day from hell. Fuck, Eddie loves him so much more than he ever thought was possible. 

“I just thought you needed an out,” Eddie explains, shrugging. 

Buck takes a deep, gasping breath and nods his head. “Yeah, thanks.”

They sit down on the couch with a beer each, except neither of them are drinking from it. The tv is playing quietly in the background, but Eddie is paying so little attention that he couldn’t even tell you what was on. The silence is heavy and oppressive, yet Eddie has no idea how to break it - how to bring up the elephant in the room without Buck feeling cornered. 

It’s just, he knows that Buck wears his heart on his sleeve, but he also hates to talk about anything that’s too personal, or emotional, or anything that he thinks might be a burden to others. And Eddie knows that above everything, Buck hates looking weak. His pride is so thick that he’d choke on it if he ever tried to swallow it. 

He aims for subtle, but he misses that mark by a mile. 

“So. He was charming,” Eddie says. 

And he was being sarcastic, but the way Buck’s face immediately closes off, the way he hunches his shoulders - yeah. Not the time for sarcasm. 

“I guess,” Buck whispers, and Eddie’s heart aches. 

“No, Buck, I didn’t - I was being sarcastic,” Eddie explains. “Sorry.”

As Buck exhales he relaxes a little. “Oh, okay.”

Eddie hates this version of Buck. 

Or - no, that’s not quite right. There’s no version of Buck that Eddie doesn’t love, he just hates that this one has to exist. The one that’s shy and withdrawn, the one that’s afraid. Because Buck should never look like this - small and reserved, like he’s just waiting to be hurt. 

“He’s kind of an asshole, huh?”

Buck laughs a little, and at least that’s something. It’s small, but Eddie will take it.

“You could tell?” Buck asks, seeming genuinely surprised. 

Eddie shrugs his shoulders. “He was trying too hard to be likeable. And, y’know - the fact that you’re afraid of him doesn’t help his case.”

He figures that if subtle didn’t work, he may as well just pull the bandaid off. And with the way Buck startles - yeah, he’s definitely ripped it off. 

Buck turns to him, frowning, and Eddie knows that a denial is on his lips before he even opens his mouth. 

“I’m not,” he mumbles, but he can’t meet Eddie’s eyes. 

Eddie could let him deny it all and they could move on. They could never talk about it, and pretend this wasn’t something that happened to Buck - like it wasn’t something else that he had to survive. But he thinks that it’s something Buck _needs_ to talk about, if only so it doesn’t swallow him whole. 

“I saw the look on your face when you first saw him, and the way you flinched every time he raised his voice, or moved too quickly,” Eddie says gently. “I know what abuse looks like, Buck.”

Buck sits forward and takes in a trembling breath, dropping his head into his hands. Eddie can see the way his whole body shakes, but Buck isn’t crying - he’s just feeling more than he knows what to do with. Eddie wants to reach out, but he doesn’t know if his touch would be welcome, doesn’t ever want to be something that Buck is afraid of. 

So, tentatively, Eddie rests his hand on Buck’s back. Buck doesn’t pull away, instead Eddie can feel him relax beneath his touch. So he rubs his hand in comforting circles until Buck isn’t shaking so much, then Eddie moves his hand up to squeeze the back of his neck gently. 

He doesn’t want to force this out of Buck, or make him feel like he has no say in whether or not they talk about it. Eddie just wants him to know that he can talk, if he wants to. That he’s not ever a burden. 

“You can tell me, you know? If you want to,” Eddie offers. 

Buck lifts his head out of his hands, and laughs as he leans back against the couch. 

“It’s dumb,” he says. “It wasn’t, y’know, _bad._ Not like what Maddie went though.”

And Eddie’s heart just fucking _breaks._

To hear that - to hear that Buck thinks what he went through was dumb, and for him to compare it to someone else’s trauma, it’s devastating. Because Eddie knows that Buck would never think that if this was someone else’s experience, if the roles were reversed and it was Eddie who had been abused. 

He would be supportive, and understanding, and would validate every single feeling. Eddie hates that he can’t do it for himself, that he can’t recognise what he went through as genuine, or worth the attention. 

“Buck, you can’t _compare_ traumas,” Eddie tells him. “Just because Maddie went through something bad, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t, as well.”

He’s leaning backwards when he turns his head to face Eddie, so his cheek is pressed along the back of the couch. He still isn’t crying, but his eyes are red like he’s trying really hard not to. 

His expression is so open and trusting as he looks at Eddie, that it almost hurts. Eddie doesn’t know what he’s done in his life to deserve this, to have Buck trust him so completely that he’s not afraid to be vulnerable in front of him. But whatever it is, he’s thankful - wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 

“He was great at first,” Buck starts. “But then he started to change, and make little comments. Nothing big, just enough for me to start changing myself. It didn’t feel like a big deal.”

Buck pauses to take a breath, and Eddie doesn’t stop himself from reaching out and taking Buck’s hand in his own. Buck doesn’t stop him either, just tangles their fingers together and holds on tight, shooting Eddie a grateful smile. 

“And then when he decided he didn’t like my friends, I stopped spending time with them. Because he loved me, y’know? He said he wanted what was best for me, and no one had ever really cared about me that much before. I didn’t want to lose that.”

Eddie has to take deep breaths himself, because the fury that’s building inside him is almost uncontrollable. The fact that someone would do this to Buck, the fact that his parents fucked him over so badly that he was willing to accept affection from anyone, even if it wrecked him.

Buck would rather have a love that hurts, than no love at all. 

Eddie looks at Buck - who has his eyes closed tightly so he doesn’t cry - and he doesn’t understand how anyone could ever hurt him. He’s got the biggest heart, he’s the kindest person Eddie has ever known, and to take advantage of that takes a special kind of evil. 

Eddie squeezes his hand, a silent show of support. 

“Are you sure you want to hear this?” Buck asks. “It was a long time ago now, it’s not - I don’t know? It’s not like I think about it every day. I just, seeing him again-“

He trails off, like he doesn’t know to finish what he’s saying. And Eddie aches for him so much, that even when talking about something so awful he’s more concerned about Eddie than himself. It’s exactly the kind of selfless thing he would do, which makes it even worse that someone would want to hurt him. 

“I want to hear whatever you’re comfortable telling me,” Eddie tells him. “If that’s everything, or nothing else, that’s okay. You’re in control.”

Buck smiles slightly, and takes a breath before continuing. 

“We ended up moving in together, but then I had nowhere to go to get away from him. And like, that was his plan, obviously. I just didn’t realise until it was too late.”

Buck laughs and shakes his head, and Eddie knows what he’s thinking without him even saying a word. He knows Buck feels stupid, like he shouldn’t have fallen for it. But the thing about abusers is they know exactly how to manipulate their victim - all the right things to do and say to keep them under their thumb. 

Buck isn’t stupid, his heart is just so big. 

“It was mainly telling me what I couldn’t and couldn’t do, y’know? Or turning everything into my fault. Like, he’d say something to hurt me, but if I got upset then _I_ was the one manipulating _him_ into feeling guilty. 

“It was like walking on eggshells, just trying not to say or do the wrong thing to set him off,” Buck tells him. 

Eddie wants to cry but he won’t let himself, because this isn’t about him, it’s about Buck. And Buck is trying so hard to hold it together, Eddie can tell with the way he’s clenching his jaw and gripping Eddie’s hand so tightly he’s starting to get pins and needles. 

He doesn’t let go though, wouldn’t even consider it. He just holds on and keeps listening, because Buck deserves to be heard. 

“He was drunk, the first time he hit me,” Buck whispers. 

Eddie feels something inside of him crack, right down to his very soul. 

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go because I lived with him, and he’d isolated me from all my friends. So I stayed. And he kept doing it.”

Eddie pulls Buck’s hand into his lap and holds it in between both of his own. He wants to Buck to feel hands that don’t hurt as he talks about this. 

“Anyway, I submitted my final assignment for college, then I packed my shit and left. Today was the first time I’ve seen him since the day I disappeared on him,” Buck says, finishing his story with a shrug, as if it’s no big deal. 

Eddie feels breathless once Buck has finished, and he has no idea how Buck even managed to get through it all. Of course, he knows that it’s not the full story - knows there’s so much more that Buck _isn’t_ telling him, but. To be trusted with it, with something Eddie is certain no one else knows, it feels like the worst kind of honour. 

He wants to say that he’s sorry, or just, _something._ Anything to convey how angry he is that this happened to Buck, and how proud he is of Buck for getting away, and for telling Eddie even when he knows that everything in Buck would have been fighting against being open and vulnerable. 

But he’s sure that anything he says will fall flat, couldn’t even begin to explain exactly what it is that Eddie is thinking and feeling. 

“So, yeah,” Buck says. 

“Fuck.”

It startles a laugh out of Buck, and it’s the first genuine one he’s heard from him since the cheating boyfriend call this morning. It feels like a breath of fresh air, and Eddie didn’t realise how much he’d been missing it until he gets to hear it again. 

“Yeah, pretty much,” Buck agrees. 

“I don’t even know what to say,” Eddie admits. 

Buck turns his head to look at him again, and he’s smiling kind of sadly. 

“You don’t have to say anything.”

But he does, because Buck deserves to hear that what happened to him was wrong. He _knows_ it was, of course, but hearing it from someone else is different, Eddie thinks. 

“You didn’t deserve that,” Eddie says. “I’m sorry, that he took advantage of you like that. And I’m really fucking glad you got out when you did.” 

He can’t imagine his life without Buck in it, now. And the thought that Buck might never have made it to Los Angeles, to the 118, to _him._ Well - it’s staggering. It’s impossible to imagine him stuck with Corey, never making it out, never finding himself. 

“Yeah, me too,” Buck agrees, with a soft smile. “I am okay, you know? This isn’t something that’s been like, haunting me. I was just really taken by surprise when I saw him, but it’s not - I’m okay. I promise.”

He reassures Eddie, because Buck can’t stand the thought of someone worrying too much about him. 

Eddie believes him, because the look in Buck’s eyes is so genuine and honest. And it’s a relief, of sorts, that this awful thing happened but Buck is healing from it. That the trauma is real, and it’s a part of him, but he’s not carrying it around on his shoulders like it’s something he can’t escape. 

“I’m glad,” Eddie says. 

And Eddie loves him so much. 

He loves the way _Buck_ loves, so fierce and all-encompassing that it’s impossible not to feel entirely surrounded by it when Evan Buckley loves about you. He loves his strength, and his bravery, and even his recklessness. He loves the way Buck’s eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughs, and the way his hair curls when he doesn’t put product in it. 

He loves Buck so much he can hardly breathe with it, and he’s so thankful that he’s here with him, in this moment. 

“I love you,” Eddie blurts out. 

He didn’t mean to, knows this is absolutely _not_ the time, but it’s out there now. And Buck is looking at him with wide eyes and a slack jaw, so like, Eddie has to do something about it. 

“Sorry, sorry that was _really_ bad timing,” Eddie says. “I just - I do. And you deserve to know it, that someone just loves you, for you.” 

Buck is still watching him, an expression of complete disbelief on his face. And like, Eddie didn’t think this would be that much of a surprise, with the way it feels like they’ve been heading for so long. But maybe he read it wrong? 

“It’s not - I’m not _expecting_ anything, okay? I didn’t even mean to say that. I just - yeah. Sorry,” Eddie stutters. 

Silence stretches it out between them, and Eddie is half convinced he can hear his own heart beat. He’s starting to panic, starting to think that he’s just hurt more than helped, when Buck opens his mouth. 

“I love you too,” he says, and for a second Eddie feels floored. “I think I probably always have. I just - I was scared, you know? After everything we’ve both been through, and everything we could _lose_ by doing this. 

“I thought seeing Corey would make me take ten steps backwards, but it’s not. I was afraid, yeah, but I knew I wasn’t in any danger. Because you were there, just like you always are, every single time I need you.”

Buck is smiling at him, and Eddie feels warm all over, like this is happening inside a dream. 

“And we’ve both been hurt, and loved people, and lost them, and it’s hard,” Buck says with a squeeze of Eddie’s hand. “But I don’t think that’s any reason to stop ourselves from living. We made it this far for a reason, right?” 

Eddie’s not gonna fucking cry, alright? But it’s like he can feel his heart mending itself, just a little bit. Like Buck’s words, and the way he’s smiling at him, are everything Eddie needs. Like _Buck_ is everything he needs. 

He knows that his timing is awful, that there probably isn’t a _worse_ time Eddie could have told Buck how he feels. But Buck is looking at him like Eddie has single-handedly saved him, even though Eddie knows Buck never needed saving - he’s always saved himself, even if he shouldn’t have had to. 

“There’s no rush for this,” Eddie says. “You’re _it_ for me, Buck. So we can take our time, we can fig-“

Buck kisses him. 

Chaste, and short, and devastatingly sweet. And it’s barely anything at all really, but Eddie can still feel his heart in his throat. 

“That’s good, too,” Eddie murmurs, feeling kind of dazed. 

And Buck laughs, presses another kiss on Eddie’s cheek just for good measure. And the thing is, Eddie’s never done any of this before - not with a man. But it’s so natural with Buck, so easy that it _feels_ familiar, even when it’s not. 

“I want us to take our time,” Buck tells him. “Not because I’m unsure, but because I’m _so_ sure. You’re it for me too, and I don’t want us to mess this up. For us, _and_ for Christopher.” 

And yeah, Eddie loves him. 

“Okay,” he agrees. 

Buck smiles so softly, and the moment feels surreal as he leans sideways and rests his head on Eddie’s shoulder. 

They have so many things they need to talk about, but Eddie knows that they will. Because this is what they both want, and they’re willing to take their time in order to get it right. 

In order to make sure that they’re not another thing they have to survive.

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning: an abusive ex makes an appearance, but he doesn’t hurt anyone. Mentions of domestic abuse, but nothing too explicit or in depth. 
> 
> Eddie has pretty bad timing in this, because he’s only human and he doesn’t always act perfectly, but he doesn’t make anything worse and it ends happy and hopeful :)
> 
> I love and appreciate all of you and your support, but I want to clear up the Hen and Chim situation: they _adore_ Buck. They would never do anything to purposely hurt him. Buck is a master at hiding his feelings, and the only reason Eddie can read them in this is because they know each other so well. Buck’s abuser is like most abusers - he’s charming and friendly to everyone else, so no one suspects anything. Hen and Chim don’t realise this isn’t just friendly teasing.


End file.
